Here’s something I’ve realized after years of coaching entrepreneurs, leaders and professionals, and navigating my own growth: The number one thing that wears us down isn’t always the situation we’re in—it’s the voice in our head.
That inner critic shows up in so many forms. It tells us we’re falling short, that we’re not doing enough, not being enough. It judges others, assumes the worst, and tries to protect us by scanning for what’s wrong.
But there’s one version of this inner judge that people rarely talk about. It quietly fuels our anxiety, irritation, and emotional fatigue. It’s the judge of circumstance—and it sounds like this:
“I hate this situation. I can’t be okay unless it changes.”
It creeps in when life doesn’t look the way we hoped. When we feel stuck, disappointed, or constantly frustrated—not because something terrible is happening, but because we’re mentally resisting what is. And most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it.
I know this firsthand because I lived with it for years. That resistance used to control my mood, drain my energy, and steal time I could have spent feeling at peace and moving forward with ease and flow. But over time, I learned to quiet that voice—and reclaim my calm.
In this article, I want to share how I made that shift, what it changed for me, and how you can begin doing the same.
When Life Looks Fine, But Feels Heavy
For over five years, I carried a quiet unhappiness—despite the fact that, from the outside, things looked fine. I had a growing business. I had a “good life”. I had every reason to feel grateful. But I didn’t.
It started in 2015, after my daughter was diagnosed with Down’s syndrome. That year marked the beginning of a long season of transition. We moved from the Philippines to Australia, and later to the UK. I was far from my family, my friends, my culture—even my favorite food. There was no support system like I was used to. No nanny. No helper. I was working from home, raising a child, and trying to keep everything together.
At the same time, my marriage was going through a difficult season. It felt like everything familiar had been taken away from me. And even though my business was doing well, I felt deeply disconnected from joy.
Looking back now, the real turning point didn’t come from any external fix. It came from a powerful shift in the way I saw my situation.
The Realization That Changed Everything
I used to believe that if the situation improved, I’d feel better. But what I came to realize was this:
It wasn’t the situation that was making me miserable—it was the way I was thinking about it.
The more I paid attention, the more I saw how my thoughts were shaping my experience. We have a survival brain that’s wired to look for danger. It’s designed to protect us, but it’s also quick to judge—ourselves, others, and especially the circumstances we’re in.
When we judge a situation—believing “this shouldn’t be happening” or “I’ll only be okay if this changes”—we’re in resistance mode. And that resistance creates tension, negativity, and stress.
It also keeps us stuck. Because when you’re mentally fighting reality, it’s almost impossible to take clear, purposeful action. It’s like being a surfer in the ocean, but instead of riding the waves, you’re complaining about each one:
“This wave is too high.”
“That one’s not what I wanted.”
“This one’s coming at the wrong time.”
You don’t get better at surfing that way. You just get better at resisting and complaining—and more frustrated in the process.
How Acceptance Changed Everything
Once I saw this pattern clearly, everything began to shift. I became less reactive. I stopped fighting what was. I felt calmer, more grounded. I no longer wasted so much energy trying to control things outside of my control.
That shift gave me more capacity. I had more space to think clearly, to act intentionally, to be present and productive—not because my situation magically changed, but because I did.
And the biggest freedom of all? My happiness stopped depending on everything going “right.” I wasn’t waiting for life to hand me better circumstances. I was learning how to create peace from the inside out.
Now, just to be clear: acceptance isn’t about giving up or pretending things are okay when they’re not. It’s about telling the truth—this is where I am right now—and meeting that reality with presence instead of resistance.
Acceptance calms the nervous system. It creates space for clarity, for growth, and for solutions to emerge.
A Simple but Powerful Practice
One of the most helpful tools I learned came from Shirzad Chamine, the founder of Positive Intelligence. It’s a simple practice for catching your “judge of circumstance” and choosing a better way forward:
Step 1: Catch the Thought
Notice when you’re thinking:
“This is bad.”
“This shouldn’t be happening.”
“I can’t be okay unless this changes.”
Step 2: Acknowledge Your Awareness
Recognize that this thought pattern is your survival brain trying to do its job. And celebrate the fact that you caught it—that awareness alone is powerful.
Step 3: Shift Your State
Relax your body. Take three slow, conscious breaths. And then ask:
“What’s needed now?”
From that calmer place, you can choose to either accept what is—or reframe it as a gift.
What might this moment be asking of you?
Is there something to learn here?
Is it an opportunity for you to take meaningful action?
Is it building strength, resilience, or clarity?
When you look back at the hardest seasons of your life, chances are, they shaped you in ways that were incredibly meaningful. You became wiser, stronger, and more aligned. So maybe—just maybe—this current challenge is doing the same.
The Benefits of Shifting Your Perspective
When you stop judging the moment you’re in, and instead respond with acceptance or curiosity, here’s what becomes possible:
Clearer thinking
Emotional resilience
Faster recovery from setbacks
Better decisions
More progress with less strain
You become the calm strategist—the leader who knows how to ride the waves, not fight the ocean.
What This Shift Has Given Me
These mindset shifts didn’t just help me work better. They helped me live better.
I no longer need life to be perfect to feel okay. That has brought so much peace and freedom—not just for me, but for the people I love and serve.
My daughter loves telling me, “I feel calm and happy when I’m with you.” That reminds me of what truly matters.
And in my work, I see the ripple effect too. When I show up grounded, the people I coach and lead feel more supported. We solve problems faster. We create more with less stress.
A Coachee’s Story: From Resistance to Peace
One of my coachees had spent years resisting nearly every part of her life. And understandably, she felt exhausted, uninspired, and stuck. Her resistance wasn’t just making her unhappy—it was making it nearly impossible for her to move forward in her business.
When she joined my Mental Fitness Program, things began to change. Within seven weeks, she built habits that helped her stop fighting reality and start working with it. Her external life hadn’t transformed drastically in 7 weeks—but her inner world had. She felt more present, happier, at peace, and more productive. That’s the power of turning insight into habit.
Because insight alone is never enough. What creates lasting change is consistent practice.
Want to Try This for Yourself?
Quick Action Steps for the Week
If you’re ready to shift out of perfectionism and reclaim your time and energy, start with these simple but powerful steps:
Notice how often your judge of circumstance shows up. You can tally it each day—just observe without judgment.
Each time you catch it:
Celebrate your awareness
Relax your body
Take three slow breaths
Ask, “What’s needed now?”
Then choose: Can I accept this moment? Or can I look for the gift in it?
It doesn’t have to be perfect. The practice itself builds power.
Let’s Take This Further—Together
If you’re ready to stop letting your peace depend on everything going right, I’d love to support you.
Book Your FREE Coaching Consultation
Let’s uncover the hidden mindset patterns draining your energy—and build lasting habits that support calm, clarity, and momentum.
Just imagine what could happen when your happiness, clarity, and power no longer depend on external circumstances.
You get to be the calm in the chaos. The strategist in the storm. The leader in your own life.
And it starts with how you choose to think—right now.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Introduction
02:45 – Personal Story: The Darkest Moment of My Life
04:12 – What I Realized About My Thoughts
06:26 – What Changed for Me
07:47 – The Solution: Recognizing That Your Thoughts Are the Main Source of Stress
14:07 – What’s Possible for You
15:10 – Personal Transformation and Freedom
16:06 – Client Testimonial
17:54 – Quick Action Steps You Can Try
19:20 – Your Journey to Growth Starts Here
Do you have questions, insights, or topics you'd like us to explore? Share them with us via email at hello@clardooncoaching.com. We'd love to hear from you!
Book a FREE 30-minute coaching consultation to explore what becomes possible when your peace, happiness, and personal power no longer depend on external circumstances.
Get your INSTANT access to the DITCH BUSYNESS Workbook. Discover how to identify what truly matters, create sustainable habits, and build success without sacrificing your well-being.
Disclaimer: The content shared in Realizations With Clarissa is for informational and inspirational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or therapy. If you are experiencing serious mental health concerns, please consult a licensed doctor, therapist, or mental health professional. Your well-being is important, and seeking appropriate support is a vital step toward healing.
Important Links
Newsletter
Get exclusive stories, fresh insights and tips from Clarissa, plus podcast highlights, new tools, upcoming workshops, special offers, and more.
© 2025 Clardoon Coaching