When Other People Don’t Do Things Your Way | Episode 56

Have you ever noticed how quickly you can become stressed when someone does something differently from the way you would do it?

Maybe it's your spouse, who doesn't do something the way you think it should be done. Maybe it's your child, who isn't following your instructions. It could be a teammate who seems too slow or isn't as accurate as you'd like, or a business partner who has a completely different approach. Sometimes, even when it's a small thing, you might feel the urge to step in, correct it, direct the person, or simply do it yourself.

The thought underneath it can sound quite reasonable: "If I don't do something about this, it might turn out wrong." So you step in. You give instructions, you correct, you take over, or you check everything again. And sometimes, you may not even realize how automatic the pattern has become.

The interesting thing is that the intention usually isn't bad. You want things done well. You want people to succeed. You want to avoid mistakes and help things move forward. These can be strengths, especially when you're someone who takes responsibility seriously.

But there are moments when a strength can become something that creates stress for you and the people around you.

I've noticed this pattern in business owners, leaders, parents, and high performers. It can start quite innocently. You see something that isn't being done the way you would do it, and your first thought is that you should help make it better.

Maybe you think, "It would be more efficient if we did it this way," or "Why aren't they doing this properly?" So you step in. You correct it. You take over. And when this happens often enough, it can slowly become your default response whenever something doesn't match your expectations.

And to be fair, there can be short-term benefits. Things get done. Mistakes may be avoided. Problems get solved quickly, and people may see you as reliable, capable, and responsible.

But what works in the short term can create a different problem over time.

I remember one coaching conversation with a high performer who realized that this pattern was affecting her marriage. Whenever her husband did something, she often saw a better, more efficient, or more organized way of doing it. She wasn't trying to dominate him. She genuinely wanted things to be done properly.

So she started doing many things herself.

At first, that probably felt easier. If she did it herself, she knew it would be done the way she wanted. But over time, she became tired and increasingly frustrated. She was carrying more and more responsibility, while her husband was becoming dependent on her in certain areas.

What started as helping was creating distance.

I've also seen a similar pattern in leadership. One leader I spoke with told me, "I want my team to be confident and independent." But in the same conversation, she also said, "I just want things done right."

Those two things can exist together, but they can also pull against each other when we're not aware of how we're showing up.

She would step in whenever something wasn't being done the way she expected. She would take over and execute because it felt easier and safer. Yes, the work got done, but her team wasn't becoming as confident or independent as she wanted them to be because they weren't being given enough room to think for themselves, make decisions, make mistakes, and learn.

She was getting the short-term result she wanted, but over time, she had become the bottleneck.

Eventually, she felt overwhelmed because so much depended on her.

This is one of the biggest costs of this pattern. When you regularly take over because you don't trust that things will be done properly without you, you can slowly become responsible for more and more.

The more you control, the more you have to monitor. The more you monitor, the more you notice. And the more you notice, the more reasons you find to step in.

It can become a cycle that's difficult to see because each individual decision seems reasonable. Of course you want to fix that mistake. Of course you want to clarify that instruction. Of course you want to make sure an important task is done properly.

But when those moments keep happening, the mental and emotional cost can add up.

Think about it. How often do people actually do things exactly the way you want them to?

Probably not very often.

People have different personalities, experiences, priorities, ideas, and ways of solving problems. So if your peace depends on people doing things your way, you may be giving away some of your peace every day.

Someone will approach something differently. Someone will make a mistake. Someone will take longer than you would. Someone will choose a method you wouldn't have chosen.

And every time it happens, there may be an internal reaction that creates more stress than the situation itself requires.

You might feel irritated or tense. You may replay the interaction later or think about how it should have been handled. You may find yourself mentally correcting the situation even after it's already over.

That's tiring.

Not necessarily because other people are difficult, but because your mind is constantly fighting against the reality that other people will not always think, work, or respond exactly as you do.

This pattern can also affect performance, especially when you're leading other people.

It's easy to think that being closely involved in everything helps maintain quality. And sometimes it does. But if you find it difficult to delegate, you can become the bottleneck. If you find it difficult to trust, you may spend more time checking everything. If you don't give people room to learn, you may end up doing more work yourself.

Eventually, your capacity becomes limited by your own time and energy.

And this is where something that started as a desire for high standards can begin to work against the performance you're trying to improve. Instead of developing a team that can think, make decisions, and take ownership, you can create a situation where more and more decisions have to come back to you.

That can slow execution, increase your mental load, and make leadership feel much heavier than it needs to be.

The same thing can happen at home. When one person continually takes over, the other person may gradually stop taking initiative. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because there is less room for them to contribute in their own way.

When we keep stepping in, we may unintentionally take away some of the space people need to think for themselves, make mistakes, and build confidence.

So what's underneath this pattern?

Often, there is some form of fear. Fear that something will go wrong. Fear that standards will drop. Fear that mistakes will happen. Fear that an opportunity will be lost.

The mind responds by creating a strategy: control more, direct more, correct more.

Because control can feel like safety.

And again, sometimes stepping in is necessary. There are situations where standards matter, decisions need to be made quickly, or a leader genuinely needs to provide direction.

This isn't about becoming passive. It's not about lowering your standards or letting people do whatever they want.

It's about learning to notice the difference between guiding and controlling.

You can guide without taking over. You can coach without controlling. You can have standards without micromanaging. You can give direction without carrying everything yourself.

The question isn't whether you should care about how things are done. The question is whether every difference in approach really needs your intervention.

One of the shifts that can create more freedom is learning to make space for a different way of doing things.

Not necessarily a wrong way.

Just a different way.

This can be difficult, especially when you're used to being the person who knows how to get things done. You may have experience, high standards, and a clear idea of what works. But other people also need opportunities to think, try, make mistakes, learn, and improve.

Sometimes the outcome is still perfectly fine even when the process looks different from what you would have chosen.

Sometimes the other person learns something valuable precisely because you didn't step in.

And sometimes you realize that the stress wasn't really coming from what the other person was doing. It was coming from your need for things to be done your way.

That realization can create a surprising amount of space.

Other people don't need to become you to be effective. They don't need to think like you, work like you, or solve problems exactly the way you would. And you don't need everyone around you to do things your way in order to be okay.

So what can you do when you notice the urge to immediately correct someone?

You can start by simply pausing.

Notice the tension. Notice the urge to step in. Notice the thoughts that are coming up. Then ask yourself, "Is this truly necessary? Does this really need my intervention?"

You might also ask, "Can I allow a different way of doing things?"

You don't have to force yourself to let go of something that genuinely matters. The point is to create enough space to choose your response rather than automatically reacting to the discomfort.

Maybe the issue really does need your attention.

Or maybe it's simply different from the way you would do it.

That distinction matters.

Because when you pause, you give yourself the opportunity to see what is actually happening instead of immediately assuming that your way is the only way that will work.

If you've been feeling stressed, frustrated, or irritated with the people around you because they aren't meeting your expectations, it may be worth asking yourself a slightly different question: "Is the problem really them?"

Or is there a pattern in you that believes things need to be done your way for you to feel okay?

There is no need to judge yourself for whatever answer comes up. Awareness isn't about proving that you've been wrong. It's about understanding what's happening inside you so you have more choice in how you respond.

And the moment you begin to see the pattern, you already have more freedom.

You may still have standards. You may still correct people when necessary. You may still step in when the situation genuinely requires it. But you can begin choosing those responses intentionally rather than automatically.

That can change the way you lead, the way you communicate, and the way you relate to the people closest to you.

It can also change how much responsibility you feel you need to carry.

If you notice that this pattern keeps showing up, even when you're already aware of it, that's exactly the kind of work we explore inside the 7-Day Mental Fitness Challenge.

Mental fitness is the capacity to face challenges with a more positive mindset rather than being automatically pulled into negative mental patterns. Often, it's not other people creating most of the stress. It's the automatic patterns that get activated inside us when something doesn't go the way we expect.

Inside the challenge, you'll learn how to recognize these patterns earlier, before they take over your emotions, decisions, and relationships. You'll also learn how to create more space between the trigger and your response, so you can respond more wisely rather than reacting automatically.

The goal isn't to care less. It's not to lower your standards or stop wanting things to be done well. It's about creating enough awareness that you can lead, communicate, and relate to others with less stress and frustration.

Because sometimes the freedom we're looking for doesn't come from getting everyone else to change.

Sometimes it comes from realizing that they don't have to.

If you'd like to experience that for yourself, you can start the 7-Day Mental Fitness Challenge today.

You can learn more here.

0:00 – When Things Not Going Your Way Stress You Out

2:11 – Why You Feel the Need to Step In and Take Over

3:07 – The Hidden Cost of Always Being in Control

5:24 – When Your Peace Depends on Others Doing Things Your Way

7:06 – The Fear Behind the Need to Control

7:48 – The Difference Between Guiding and Controlling

10:25 – Build More Awareness with the 7-Day Mental Fitness Challenge