Why Some People Grow From Challenges While Others Stay Stuck | Episode 60

Have you ever looked back on something that was incredibly difficult at the time and thought, “If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be the person I am today”?

Maybe it was a breakup, losing a job, a business that failed, someone rejecting you, or someone disappointing you. At the time, it may have felt like one of the worst things that could have happened. But years later, when you look back, you might see something different. You may notice what you learned, how you became stronger, how your priorities changed, or how much more clearly you understand yourself.

What is interesting is that it can be very difficult to see any of that while you are in the middle of the challenge. When something painful is happening, our attention naturally goes toward the disappointment, uncertainty, loss, or fear. It is only with distance that we sometimes begin to see the meaning we could not see at the time.

That made me wonder: what if the biggest difference between people who grow through challenges and people who remain stuck is not simply what happens to them, but how they respond while they are in the middle of it?

I have experienced this in my own life.

My first fiancé backed out two weeks before our wedding. That experience was painful. Then, in my next relationship, my boyfriend would repeatedly tell me things like, “You’re someone else’s scrap,” and, “No one else will want to marry you.”

Imagine hearing that from someone you are in a relationship with. At first, I believed him. I questioned my worth and allowed someone else’s words to influence the way I saw myself.

Looking back now, I would not wish those experiences on anyone. They were painful, and I do not believe we need to pretend that painful experiences were good just because something valuable eventually came from them.

But I also cannot deny that those challenges became a turning point for me.

They became one of the reasons I started intentionally building my confidence. I learned to become emotionally stronger. I worked toward becoming financially independent because I wanted to know that I could take care of and support myself, whether I was in a relationship or not. Slowly, I stopped looking for my worth in someone else’s approval and started finding it within myself.

Another difficult experience was losing my job. At the time, I was scared because I had very little financially. It happened six months after my first fiancé backed out, and I certainly did not see it as some hidden opportunity at the time.

But if I had not lost that job, I honestly do not know if I would have grown my own business. And if I had not started my business, I probably would not be here talking to you today.

It is funny how life works sometimes.

The things we pray will not happen can sometimes become the experiences that shape us in ways we could not have anticipated.

Of course, we do not usually respond to challenges by immediately thinking about how they might shape us.

When something difficult happens, the mind can quickly label it. “This is bad.” “This should not be happening.” “This is unfair.” “Why me?”

There is nothing unusual about having those thoughts. When life does not go according to plan, it can feel uncomfortable, especially when we are used to having some sense of certainty about what comes next.

The difficulty comes when we become so focused on how things should have been that we spend all our energy resisting what has already happened.

We might keep replaying the situation, imagining different outcomes, or wishing we could change the past. Meanwhile, the situation in front of us still needs our attention.

This is where I have found one shift particularly helpful: I stopped assuming that when something difficult happens, it is automatically bad in every possible sense.

That does not mean the experience itself was good. Some experiences are genuinely painful. Some are unfair. Some leave scars. I would not wish those experiences on anyone.

But when they happen, what do we do with them?

For me, accepting reality does not mean giving up. It does not mean pretending that everything is okay or forcing yourself to be grateful for something that hurt you.

It is not toxic positivity.

It can be as simple as acknowledging, “Okay. This is the situation right now.”

That small shift matters because once I stop arguing with reality, I have more energy to ask a better question.

Instead of staying with, “Why did this happen?” I can begin asking, “What is needed now?” or “What can I do from here?”

Those are very different questions.

When my attention stays focused on what should have happened, my mind is often stuck in the past or in an imagined future. But when I ask what I can do now, my attention comes back to the present.

And that is where change can begin.

This is not about denying what happened. It is about recognizing that while you may not be able to change the event, you still have some choice in how you respond to it.

Think about something simple.

Imagine you are driving to work and you are halfway there when you discover that the road ahead is closed. You have a choice about what you do next.

You could spend the next twenty minutes thinking, “This should not be closed. This ruined my day. This is so frustrating.” Or you could acknowledge the situation, open Google Maps, find another route, and keep driving.

The road does not suddenly reopen because you are frustrated with it. You are simply spending less energy wishing the situation were different and more energy responding to the situation that actually exists.

The same principle can apply to bigger challenges in life.

We cannot always change what has already happened. But we can ask what needs our attention now.

That question can change how we move through a difficult season. It brings us back to what is possible rather than keeping us trapped in what should have been.

And this has implications beyond our personal lives. When we are caught in resistance, it can become harder to make clear decisions, take focused action, or communicate well with the people around us. The longer our attention stays fixed on what cannot be changed, the less energy we have available for what can still be done.

Over time, I have noticed that people who grow through difficult experiences are not necessarily more intelligent, more talented, or luckier.

They may simply become more practiced at responding to reality.

Instead of staying only with, “Why is this happening to me?” they become curious. They might ask, “What is this teaching me?” “Is there an opportunity here that I cannot see yet?” “What needs my attention today?” or “What is one small step I can take?”

Notice that none of these questions require you to solve your entire future.

Sometimes the next step is one conversation. Sometimes it is one decision, one apology, one boundary, or one phone call. It might be taking care of your body, asking for help, or doing something that requires courage.

You do not need to know exactly where everything is going.

You can simply take the next step.

That is the practice I keep coming back to. Not pretending that everything is okay, but learning how to move from resistance into a more useful response.

There may be something in your life right now that you have already labeled as bad.

Maybe it is a setback, a disappointment, a delay, or something that simply did not go according to plan. You may not be able to see any purpose in it right now, and you do not have to force yourself to.

But perhaps you can become curious about it.

Instead of only asking, “Why is this happening?” you might eventually ask, “What is the gift in this challenge?”

You do not have to know the answer today.

Sometimes life only makes sense when we look backward.

Maybe the challenge is teaching you a new skill. Maybe it is developing a stronger character or helping you create healthier boundaries. Maybe it is showing you something that needs to change, or pointing you toward a direction you would not have considered otherwise.

You may not see that yet. And that is okay.

What matters is the perspective we hold while we move through it.

I have learned that the gift is not necessarily the event itself.

Sometimes the gift is who you are becoming because of it.

That is a very different way of looking at difficult experiences. It does not romanticize pain or suggest that everything happens for a reason. It simply leaves room for the possibility that even something painful can become useful in the way we respond to it.

This is also where awareness becomes important.

Our minds have habits. If we are used to worrying, overthinking, criticizing ourselves, or getting stuck when things go wrong, those patterns can influence how we respond to challenges. With greater awareness, we can begin to notice those patterns and create more space to choose a different response.

That is part of what I practice through Mental Fitness.

Mental Fitness is the capacity to face life's challenges with a more positive and constructive mindset instead of automatically reacting from stress, fear, or negativity. As the mind becomes less reactive, it can become easier to recover from setbacks, make wiser decisions, and take more focused action without carrying unnecessary mental stress.

The goal is not to make difficult experiences disappear. It is to build the capacity to meet them differently.

There are things in life that we would choose differently if we could. There are experiences we would rather not have gone through. There are moments that hurt, disappoint, or change us in ways we did not expect.

We do not have to call those experiences good.

But we can ask what is needed now.

That question brings us back to the present. It gives us something to work with. And sometimes, that is where a different chapter begins.

Remember, you cannot always choose what happens. But you can choose how you respond. And sometimes, the way you respond to one difficult situation can become the beginning of a completely different life.

If this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to join us in the 7-Day Mental Fitness Challenge. It is an opportunity to practice meeting life's challenges with a more positive and constructive mindset, and to become more aware of the patterns that shape how you respond.

You can learn more here.

0:00 – When Painful Experiences Shape Who We Become

1:00 – Is Growth About What Happens or How We Respond?

2:03 – Turning Heartbreak and Loss Into Growth

4:19 – Learning to Stop Resisting Reality

5:38 – Finding the Gift in Difficult Experiences

7:24 – Choosing How We Respond

10:03 – Join the 7-Day Mental Fitness Challenge